How to React to Criticism Without Feeling Defensive

Have you ever gone into defensive mode after someone criticized you? Do you remember your walls instantly shooting up? Or maybe trying to flip the situation onto someone or something else?

Defensiveness describes how we react towards another person after they say something that we perceived as a critique or a personal attack. It’s a coping mechanism that happens after being criticized. Rather than listening or dealing with the conflict or hurtful comment, we act defensively by saying something of equal criticism in response or by giving someone the silent treatment. We act defensively to emotionally protect ourselves and shift the focus away.

Key Takeaways About Reacting To Criticism Without Getting Defensive:

• Understanding Defensiveness: Defensiveness is a common reaction to criticism, stemming from fear or insecurity, and often manifests as ad hominem attacks, the silent treatment, or bringing up the past.

• Impact on Relationships: While normal, defensiveness can hinder connection and growth in relationships, blocking opportunities for understanding and resolution.

• Strategies to Overcome Defensiveness: Practice noticing defensiveness triggers, identify underlying feelings and needs, consider partner intentions, and take responsibility for one's role in conflicts.

• Real-Life Examples: Applying strategies like transparent communication, reflection, and empathy can help navigate defensiveness in real-life situations, fostering understanding and collaboration in relationships.
  

  
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Everyone has felt defensive before. It is a completely normal and natural human reaction to criticism. However, in the long run, defensiveness can block us from both connecting to others and growing as a person.

There are a few reasons why people may react defensively to criticism. Maybe, they did not receive the unconditional support that makes us feel confident as a child. Therefore, criticism feels like a personal attack rather than constructive. Defensiveness could also be a result of anxiety or poor assertiveness. Sometimes, defensiveness also reflects guilt or shame that a person wants to keep hidden.

Overall, defensiveness stems from fear or insecurity. 

If someone is defensive, that defensiveness gives them a false illusion of being in control. However, if we are constantly defensive, deflecting criticism or blame, how can we grow or become closer to others? 

Are you wondering how defensiveness might play out in your relationships? Defensiveness may look different from person to person or from situation to situation. There are common types of defensiveness that might be displayed when reacting to criticism. 

3 Common Types of Defensiveness

1. Ad hominem attacks. These are attacks on your partner’s personal character or history.

2. Silent treatment. The silent treatment is when silence is used to punish someone and make them feel hurt.

3. Bringing up the past. This looks like bringing up something someone did in the past to use against them instead of dealing with the criticism or issue at hand.

Remember, defensiveness is a completely normal reaction. However, it can prevent you from getting closer to those you love. To strengthen your relationships, you can implement different strategies to feel less defensive. Just because it is normal and something everyone does at some point or another does not mean that you can’t work on responding in other ways. A true way to be in control is to control how you react, particularly to criticism.

How to resolve a disagreement when you feel yourself becoming defensive

1. Practice noticing your defensiveness. The first step to overcoming your defensiveness is being able to notice how it shows up in your daily life. What events trigger your defensiveness? What patterns do you notice?

2. Identify the feeling. When you notice yourself becoming defensive, be transparent about what you are going through. What feelings does defensiveness bring up for you? Are you defensive because you feel sad? Angry? Here’s a helpful article on how to effectively communicate your feelings.

3. Identify a need. What do you need at that moment? Letting your partner know that you feel guarded and communicating what you need is a great way to invite them in to help you feel supported.

● Examples of needs: to be understood, acceptance, safety, support, touch, communication, consideration, compassion, empathy

4. Think about the intention behind a comment. Sometimes, we hear criticism from someone else and immediately perceive it as an attack. But what is your partner saying? What are their intentions? Take a moment to reflect. Are there different ways you can interpret what your partner said? 

5. Breathe. When you notice yourself feeling defensive, calm your nervous system by taking a few deep breaths.

6. Take responsibility. Most importantly, accept responsibility for the role you play in each situation. Learning to take responsibility can help you get closer to your partner and grow as an individual. 

Remember that disagreements are a natural part of any relationship, romantic or otherwise. It’s normal for someone like a partner to constructively bring up something that can be improved.

When you find yourself getting defensive, take a few moments to think about the intention your partner had when saying something. Can you see the good in your partner’s intentions? Is there somewhere you can take responsibility? 

Real-life examples: How to apply strategies to overcome defensiveness in relationships

Example 1: Samantha and Mark have been married for two years. One evening, while they were having dinner, Samantha shared her dissatisfaction with Mark's habit of leaving his clothes all around the house. Mark immediately became defensive and responded by saying that Samantha was always complaining about everything he did. Samantha noticed that Mark was becoming defensive and remembered the strategies she learned from the article. She took a deep breath and said, "I understand that it may be frustrating to hear criticism, but I would really appreciate it if you could help me keep the house tidy." Mark realized that he was being defensive and apologized for his behavior. They both agreed to work together to keep the house clean.

Example 2: John is a sales representative who has just received feedback from his manager that his sales figures were not meeting the target. John immediately felt defensive and thought that his manager was being unreasonable. He remembered the strategies he learned from the article and decided to take a moment to reflect on his manager's feedback. He realized that his manager had valid concerns and that he needed to work on improving his sales figures. He took responsibility for his role in the situation and discussed a plan with his manager to improve his performance.

Example 3: Karen and Sarah have been friends for several years. One day, Karen told Sarah that she was always talking about herself and never listened to her. Sarah immediately became defensive and started listing all the times when she had listened to Karen. Karen noticed that Sarah was becoming defensive and remembered the strategies she learned from the article. She took a deep breath and said, "I understand that it may be hurtful to hear criticism, but I would really appreciate it if you could listen to me when I speak." Sarah realized that she was being defensive and apologized for her behavior. They both agreed to work on their communication and actively listen to each other in the future.

Cara Cancio, LCSW

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You and your partner entered a relationship because you trust and love one another. If you start to feel defensive, remind yourself that your partner loves you. Reminding yourself about your partner’s good intentions and love can help you receive constructive criticism as well. Remember, it is not them against you, it is both of you against the conflict. If you would like further assistance in dealing with defensiveness, schedule a free first session with me. I’m here to support you!