Attachment Theory In Relationships
Have you ever jumped from relationship to relationship every few months, wondering why you can’t find the perfect partner? Or maybe you’ve been left wondering why the partners you choose are always emotionally unavailable. Perhaps, you’ve found yourself in a relationship and your partner finally commits to you and you find a way to “blow it up” and separate?
What if you knew that your relationship choices and the way you attach to others has been established since you were little? You see, the relationship – or attachment – that we have to our parents sets the tone for how we connect (or don’t) to the same sex and opposite sex parent/caregiver. Our parents/caregivers are our first relationships and they inform us how to connect, handle our emotions, express ourselves…or not.
Attachment theory identifies the way you relate to and depend on others. Attachment theory also shows the patterns of how we show up in our relationships. The awesome thing about attachment, though, is that it is not a fixed or permanent thing – it can change and you can work towards having a healthy and secure attachment to others.
How does the way you attach to others affect your relationships today?
Although there is a lot of nuance and variability that goes into defining your individual attachment style, there are three general styles of attachment (please note these are vague generalities):
1. Avoidant. People with this attachment style see intimacy as a loss of independence. Because they see dependence or needing others as a weakness, they subconsciously tend to find fault in their relationships. Avoidants want to be close, but push potential partners away as a means of protecting themselves. It feels like this one hand is saying “come close” and the other is saying “go away.”
● How to shift your belief if you identify as an avoidant attachment style: sharing experiences and closeness with others can bring happiness and meaning to your life. What is it that you are ultimately afraid of in allowing yourself to get close to someone?
2. Anxious. People with this attachment style crave physical and emotional closeness. Because they fear they are not good enough, they often worry about being betrayed or left by their partner. Being pushed away by their partner can make these people more anxious and increase their clinginess. They often struggle with “holding onto” the belief that their partner actively and willingly chooses them when there is some sense of separation. Again, this can be experienced in an over-functioning, clingy and/or anxious manifestation in the relationship.
● How to shift your belief if you identify as an anxious attachment style: you are good enough. What is the underlying fear that keeps you from allowing others to choose you?
3. Secure. People with this attachment style are comfortable with intimacy. They are reliable, trustworthy and consistent partners who know how to communicate expectations and respond to what their partner needs. Studies show secure attachment style indicates greater happiness and satisfaction in your relationships.
Do you identify with an anxious or avoidant attachment style? As I stated earlier, research shows that you are not cemented into that attachment style for life. Neuroplasticity or the ability for your synapses in your brain to make new connections and change is something that is quite possible through therapy and healthy relationships.
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If you are anxious or avoidant, you can take steps to have more fulfilling relationships and move towards, what we call, a secure-earned attachment style with greater fulfillment in your relationships.
Consider these steps for more fulfilling (and secure) relationships:
1. Understand what you need in a relationship. Make an effort to understand your needs. Learn to communicate and express them.
● If you are avoidant, avoid talking down about your partner. Instead, tune in to what you need from the relationship. If that’s a struggle (which is VERY common and normal), consider working with a therapist to help you unpack your attachment style.
● If you are anxious, think about what you need and be able to communicate it knowing that you are not too much.
2. Be in tune to when your attachment system might be activated or triggered. If you have an avoidant or anxious attachment style, you might confuse love with anxiety. Learn to associate love with feeling calm and at peace, grounded.
3. Make yourself available to your partner. Be reliable, consistent, and trustworthy. Check in with your partner regularly. Be a reliable rock your partner can turn towards.
4. Set aside time to communicate about how you feel in the relationship. How can you and your partner support each other? What do you need to be happy in the relationship? What does it mean to feel “secure” or even “seen” by your partner?
5. Encourage your partner. Be the support net for your partner. Encourage and empower them in their goals and dreams. When you feel like reverting back to the “cave” in your mind or anxiously clinging to them for fear they will leave, give them the space they need and acknowledge what is coming up for you.
Understanding your attachment style can help give you insight into how to have deeper and more fulfilling (read: healthy) relationships.
When you take the steps to understand what you need in a relationship and to communicate how you feel regularly, both partners can feel secure and supported.
Working towards a secure-earned attachment style is difficult and extremely hard. Should you find yourself feeling like you and your partner are speaking different languages and you can’t seem to quell your anxiety in the midst of relationships, don’t hesitate to reach out to myself or to one of our incredible therapists at Sunshine City Counseling.
We’re better, together.
Cheering You On,
